The snuggle that never was

I believe I’ve talked about Declan’s blanket here before. Actually, it wasn’t a special blankie bought for him by us or some other loving family member or friend. It is, in fact, one of those fleece tie blankets given to us by the hospital. It is the last blanket we held our baby in. It says ‘I (heart) Mommy’ and ‘I (heart) Daddy’ all over.

Declans blankie
Declan’s Blankie

I think I slept with it every night for the first 2 years or so. (I even took it on business trips initially until Stan pointed out how truly precious it is and what if by some chance it were to be lost. I was so caught up in having a piece of him with me, I didn’t really think through all that it meant.) I even cried the day I washed it by accident. I’m a little more (ahem) stable about it now.

I don’t sleep with it every night any more but it’s always right by my bedside, either next to Declan’s picture or folded next to it. The last few weeks, I’ve been sleeping with it more. These weeks leading up to today are pretty mentally taxing but really I just love having a piece of him to cuddle.

As I mentioned yesterday, the boys were at camp so Cole slept with me last night. (Not all together shocking if you know us … I’m a softie and would let the boys sleep with me every night but that’s another post and therapy session.)

I woke up at some point during the night with Cole snuggled up next to me and Declan’s blankie in between us. I was half awake but felt like this is what is should be … my two babies, snuggling with Mommy. I thought I would get mad at the fact that it was a blanket not Declan in between us but I didn’t. I felt a really strange sense of peace. I just knew he was there in between us and it felt awesome. I fell back asleep with a smile on my face.

Sure, I’m always a little upset about stuff like this because it should never be as I describe. Our life without Declan is what it is and while I would give just about anything for it to be different, I am learning to enjoy these moments for what they are … not what they are not.

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