Sunday is, typically, the day we head over to the cemetery to visit with Declan. Most times we go as a family and sometimes we meet up with different family members. (Hey weeds, in case you were wondering. You don’t stand a chance … Grandad won’t stand for it.)
Today, due to some miss cues and a basketball game, I ended up going by myself. I haven’t done that in a really long time and wish I could have stayed all day. The weather was comfy (for early March in the mid-Atlantic), the sun was shining and my coffee was steamy. I proceeded to prop myself up against the little tree that sits next to our plots (ultimately, Declan will be between me and Stan). We chose the location because of the little tree; it was new, like Declan, when we came looking for his final resting spot. We just knew it was the right place for us to be with him, to share the beauty of this little tree as it grows. Kind of poetic, in a not so lovely sort of way, considering we were burying our baby. We decided we would enjoy its shade in the warm, summer months and its changes during fall and spring. It even has a small nest in it … the circle of life.
As I sat there chatting with Declan, I noticed the birds chirping. It struck me because, well, it has been damn cold here and I just wasn’t thinking the birds should be back from their treks down south. And yet, they were. I let the sun warm my face as I closed my eyes and enjoyed their beautiful melodies. I felt warmth growing but not from the outside. Rather it was coming from the inside. The connection, so strong and never broken, between a Mommy and her baby. It was just lovely.
I lingered as long as I could but had to leave to make sure we arrived at basketball on-time (Stan, I know you’re laughing … I swear I tried to get there on-time.!) Anyway, as I was pulling away in the car, I felt the urge to listen to some tunes. (Sidebar … I typically don’t listen to music on the way to the cemetery when I go by myself. Not sure why, I just don’t.) So I turned on the radio to find Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Freebird on but it was the lyrics that had me catch my breath. “I’m as free as a bird now.” It all came together for me. My sweet baby, letting me know he is free. He is free and, most of all, he is ok. I love how he lets me know. It’s hard to explain why I know it’s him, I just do and it makes me feel good. It makes me feel good to know he’s always with me and that he knows when I need a little extra from him.
He’s not here in the traditional sense and, well, it blows but I love that our relationship still grows. The bond that neither time nor distance can break. I love you, baby.