What would you want them to know?

My thoughts are swimming in the awfulness that occurred in Boston yesterday. I just don’t understand how any human can treat another with such violence. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen the life leave someone I love dearly so I know the pain death can inflict on someone or maybe it’s just that I don’t understand how anyone could want to inflict damage on any one.

It has left me thinking (probably because I am away from them right now) what would I want my family to know if the unthinkable happened while I was away from them?

I would want them to know (even though I was angry and surly yesterday) that my life has been amazing because I was blessed with their love. Has it been easy? Um, no. There has been hard, even awful but there has been so much joy, bliss, giggles, and sunshine in my days; and through everything that has happened in my life, I was loved. Whether it was my Mommy and Daddy who were always there for me when I was growing up (I’m still growing, BTW) or my brother who has given me insight into events in my life like no other could or my aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews during our many family events together or my friends who have witnessed the silly, sometimes craziness, of me or my amazingly beautiful children whose simple gaze in my direction fills my heart with such warmth and peace, it is still mind boggling to me or my husband who has truly seen the under-belly of one Sherri Ann Christine DiLoreta Carmical and still looks at me with eyes that tell me I am loved completely.

I am blessed to have been given their love and been given the ability to love them in return.

That’s what I would want them to know.

(ACK! I just re-read this … normally I don’t, and realized I left off my amazing Mother and Father in-law!! Truly I don’t think of them as ‘in-law’, they have welcomed and treated me as one of their own from day one. Their complete welcoming of me into their lives is testament to their love and I couldn’t love them more for it. I hope my actions with daugther’s in-law when the time comes, will show my true appreciation to them.)

Why?

I/we had a fabulous weekend. Truly, so much fun. It was insanely busy with 2 soccer games (Brady & Cole), 1 flag football game (Will), 1 trip to Wegman’s for groceries, 1 trip to Costco for mass quantities of chicken/soap/insert the staple here, 1 fun night out with friends filled with some awesome Declan chatter (thanks for babysitting Nana and Grandpa!), 2 cook-outs with friends, 1 awesome, awareness-raising Journey 4 A Cure event/fundraiser (thanks to Primrose Ashburn!)…it was a busy and fun weekend and I’m sure I’m forgetting something. It was the perfect family weekend (although we were more than ready for bed on-time last night).

So why did I wake up angry this morning? Not grumpy…angry. I’ve been trying to shake it off all morning but it just keeps tugging at me. Why? There’s no reason for it, and then again there is.

He’s not here and it’s (excuse the use of the next word … I got grounded for its use in high school and my Dad still scolds me for its use at the ripe old at of 46) pissing me off lately. Maybe it’s the ‘hopes spring eternal’-ness of the spring. Maybe it’s the start of the spring sports season and Cole started soccer, alone. Maybe it’s all the darling, chubby little babies I’ve seen, each with their little Sophie the Giraffe in tow. Maybe it’s the stresses of dealing with the repercussions of 12 months without having a job. Maybe it’s because I wake up every morning with a visit from the ‘Sandman’ and am left to wonder if I’m crying in my sleep because I rarely remember my dreams (never have) and the sandman hasn’t visited me regularly in years. Maybe it’s that I’m no different from everyone else and every now and again folks just wake up angry. Maybe it’s just that my heart gets broken open every day and while it’s not outwardly apparent, it’s there and it hurts. Maybe it’s that yesterday I watched this beautiful little boy blowing bubbles into the spring breeze, over the pictures of his twin in the background … forever silenced by cancer.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Am I grateful for what I have? Absolutely! But waking up angry is just a terrible way to start the day. No leaping out of bed with a spring in my step and gay tune on my lips. Just surly and trying to feign a decent mood until the kiddos are off to school. Ick. I pray they don’t sense it but I’d be living in la la land to think they don’t … and that makes me sad. Sad for the whole experience of it all.

It does, like Declan, make me acutely aware of the moment and, most days, helps to draw my attention to it so I can pull my myself up out of it, for everyone’s sake around me (and my surly mood) but some days, I’m just … well, pissy (sorry, Dad).

(Note: I penned this before the awful events which took place in Boston yesterday. Apparently, I did not correctly post it. I am deeply saddened by the events of yesterday and am praying for all those affected.)