I was pretty surprised the other night when I saw how long it been since I had written anything here. Certainly it has not been for lack of topic or life story to relay, I just needed a break. To say the end of last year was rough is an understatement and quite frankly I was stunned by it.
I had heard others say the second year is worse than the first, and thought how can that be? Isn’t it supposed to get better? I should say, better is a relative term when used in the context of losing your child (or anyone for that matter). It will never get better. Simply put, there is no better than Declan here.
I think that’s why the second year is tougher than the first…I think it’s why the Dad in one of the grief groups for parents we went too was still sobbing after 5 years…it doesn’t get better. It just is. ‘Is’ is the worst possible thing. The thing you have said, “Oh that poor family.” or “Those poor people.” or “Not that sweet baby!” about in the past, gone home and prayed you’d never be those people; has happened.
That’s where year number 2 hits you squarely in the face. The shock has worn off, a bit, and the reality of life has begun to seep back in. Life goes on. No more true words. Not really rocket science but when the ringing in your ears is still so loud from the pain of loss that you almost can’t bear to paste the “I’m ok” smile on your face for another day; those words are like a hot knife cutting through butter. Life goes on…without you. The reality is like jumping into an icy bath (for all you Tough Mudders out there, you know what I mean…that obstacle was the worst, but I digress.)
I’ve grappled with the why, like so many other unanswered why questions since that fateful March 9th. I’ve come up with some ideas but the questions, feelings and ideas change like the wind etches new patterns into the sands of a beach. I think what I’ve really learned is there is no answer, at least not one that I’m privy to here on earth. I am forced to come to terms with the fact that there are no answers for why we lost Declan and countless other families have lost their children since August 18, 2010.; simply understanding that fact and taking it to heart are two very different things. So I will continue to write (hopefully more often) in the hopes of reconciling my thoughts with the reality of our days without Declan.