We all have them. We have them for ourselves and once you have children, you have them for your kids. In fact, the dreams I have (had) for my kids are even more intense then the ones I have for myself. I sometimes wonder if the dreams I had for myself…mother of 4 boys AND twins. Am I selfishly being punished…I got what I had secretly prayed for. Did Declan suffer for my longing? Believe me, I “get” that this is an irrational thought process. That this is my brain trying desparately to make sense of what has happened to one of my children. But I wonder….
So back to the dreams. I love the beach. I mean, I absolutely love it. There isn’t a place on earth I have felt more centered than at the beach, especially the Outerbanks of North Carolina. Maybe it’s years of summer vacations I spent at the White House or the vacations with friends or the family vacations with our new families; whatever it is, I have always felt whole here. At peace. I dreamed of sharing this with my family, my children…my boys. There is something about an unrealized dream, especially one you can’t ever make come true. Oh sure, there are signs all around me…Declan showing me his presence. It is heartwarming. It’s crushing. I dreamed of sharing the beach with all of my boys…not 3 of my boys and the passing dragonfly (Did you know the story of the dragonfly? The extra set of wings they have are not theirs but are the angels who catch a ride from Heaven to visit loved ones…btw, lots of loved ones enjoying the beach with their families this week.) or the shooting star I saw while watching the moon rise (thanks Declan, I asked and you gave me a sign) or the dimes or well, you get the picture.
I didn’t dream of it this way. I didn’t dream of the crushing feeling coming across the bridge…the same bridge that brought such joy in the past. I didn’t dream of the overwhelming emotion which overtook me upon our first visit to the surf….watching Cole delight in the surf, laughing and running…because you weren’t there. My dream crushed by the cancer that took you. The beach was always the place I would enjoy with my boys….racing the waves, jumping the surf, learning to “surf” the waves. It was never going to be the place where I’ve been choking back crushing heartbreak to make sure my kids don’t see the searing pain in my heart because one of my kids has died.
I’ve been doing pretty good but today is particularly hard. I don’t know why but the emotions are fighting me today…wanting to let loose. So I here I sit, writing to you about my heartache in the hopes that I can get some of the pain out so I can return to the beach and/or pool with some semblance of composure and get back to the joy because there is also so much joy here. I love it…watching my boys laugh and explore new things. So I will go put you aside old blog and my broken heart and go back…go back to my boys and enjoy all their new discoveries and the signs from sweet Declan letting us know he’s here joining in the fun.
I miss you baby.