Our visit

I’m sitting here at your gravesite, visiting with you for Mother’s Day. I wanted to spend some time with you alone, not unlike our many night in the hospital, and thank you for being me son. I know you didn’t pick me but what an honor it is to be your Mommy. It’s not at all what I would have chosen for myself and never ever what I would have chosen your life to be but it was our life together. You and me, Mommy and son.

I thought I would come here and sob over you…you know how I just let my emotions come as they may here with you. Today I thought I had it figured out, I was going to cry. Cry because you don’t get to be here with me for any more Mother’s Days. Cry because I will never get to see you sing “You are my Sunshine” at the Pre-school Mother’s Day party at your school or get a homemade vase of “flowers” made of your handprint cut outs or a card with your painted hands stamped on it and a loving note carefully crafted in your “words” or watch as you so painstakingly and carefully make me a cup of my favorite coffee in honor of Mother’s Day.

So I came to cry because I miss you. I got here and put fresh flowers in your vase, cleaned up your grave a bit and fluffed up your stuffed animals…not sure how much longer they will last but we’re pretty amazed they have lasted this long, especially your birthday puppy! (BTW, Daddy and I are going to start working on your headstone soon…and we need to get you a trim, your grass is getting long!)

Then I sat down expecting the tears would start coming and the only thing that came were smiles from the good memories. Of the nights we shared in the hospital snuggling at 2am (even though those were rough sometimes, I still enjoyed being able to give you peace). Of our wagon rides and how much joy they brought you…and everyone you came in contact with, your smile just drew people in. :) I thought of you and your brothers and how each one had their own special bond with you. How your face lit up when they were there to visit you. How your eyes always sought out Daddy and the fun you had with your tickle sessions. How proud we all felt to call Declan our son and brother.

And I smiled. I smiled as I wrote the note to you and tied it on the balloon decorated with all the things you send to remind me you are near, the one I will send to you before I leave. I smiled at the same reminders you are sending me while I am sitting here.

Then came the hawk…I’ve never seen one here before and you know how I love hawks! I enjoyed the show as he circled above my head swooping and swirling so beautiful and majestic, so much like you.

And then came the black angry bird…who tried to chase him away but he kept swirling and acrobatically avoiding the attempts to make him leave and similar to your life and your fight against the darkness of cancer…he valiantly evaded, never once losing the grace of his stroke until he could take it no more and had to leave. So much like your life, such grace and poise in the face of evil until the end.

These words came after the hawk left because again I wanted to cry but I again found myself feeling so lucky to have been called to your side, to be your Mommy. I have felt your hugs and the soft sweep of your hand as your balloon has been swirling around me as I type, brushing up against my cheek. Thank you for giving me a wonderful Mother’s Day morning, I hope you enjoy the balloon I’m sending to you it’s filled with hugs and kisses from me and Daddy. I must go now because Nana and Grandpa will be home soon with your brothers, they spent the night there last night, and we’re going to spend a relaxing day together playing…come join us, won’t you? :)