It is not all bad

I think I have written lately only about the heartache, and it is a constant, but there is so much good too. The good is so much easier to collect, hold and enjoy. The harder moments are the ones that cling a bit more and linger in my head…the ones I need more time with, the ones I tend to write about. Today, I thought I’d share some good because truly, we are blessed.

I have 4 amazing boys…three I get to see everyday and one I get to feel everyday. Not at all what I envisioned but wow, we are blessed. Our boys are the reasons we get up every day. Believe me there are days when that is not the first item our agenda but then these 3 beautiful faces come into the room.

OK…who am I kidding, some days they drive me up the wall. I mean really, it is possible to get back talk in 3 different “languages” each day?! The 12 year old…”Oh Geez, Mom…you’re soooo annoying.”. The 4 year old…”I don’t want to eat/pick up my (fill in the blank).” And the darling 19 month old…(insert adorable little blonde head and chubby face…head shaking side to side) “No.” (insert same adorable face…more head shaking.) I mean really, don’t they know what we’re going through?

Of course they do, and of course they don’t…and I think it is truly what helps us. They are everything we need…good, bad and indifferent…it’s the joy of parenting (she said through a gritted-teeth smile after any one of the 3 scenarios above plays out).

But the good and sweet and fun moments are much more prevalent and remind us everyday about the blessing we have.

Cole’s newly found “voice” and all his blossoming vocabulary…”Pees” “Tank you” “Caahker” (aka cracker, which repeated more loudly in secession will elicit said cracker from us…I mean it will come back to bite us I’m sure but it’s so cute right now) “shoos” (aka shoes) “cah” (aka car)…I could go on it’s all just so adorable. I think the most cute is when he’s calling for his brothers…Baydeeee? Wullummmm? Or pointing to the pictures of Declan and saying Dahdah? :)

In-between the tween moments with Will, when you can see he’s had it with our ‘rules’ and see him stop, smile and say ok. Truly I feel so proud in those moments because I know how hard that is. To watch the joy he has in life, with all the bad his little world has been dealt, he is a true champion of joy. So blessed to call him my son.

And Brady…our ‘go’ in go-getter kid. There isn’t a bike or ball or climbing apparatus he’s not willing to try. Truly a free spirit who loves the outdoors. His huge heart matches his zeal for life. He is rough and tumble but truly a sweet angel. A true delight in our days.

Of course, sweet Declan, in those melancholy moments he finds a way to make me smile. A little something crosses my path that makes me smile…a butterfly, a dragonfly, a rainbow…gosh, there are so many things…and I know he is ok. Little things probably missed by most that bring me joy.

(Gosh, partial Mom or what?)

So I wanted to share that while a fair amount of what of written lately is sad there is so much joy too. Just wanted you to know. :)

Records and you

I went to the hospital today to work on something that’s been important to me since Houston (once I’m done, I’ll fill you in…not trying to be cryptic just want to finish it first).

Today I was in the records department reviewing your files. I got there at 11:30 and didn’t leave until 4:30…and I’m not done. I didn’t chat with anyone there for any length of time, just read and recorded the events of your life from March 9th until late July. I didn’t find anything shocking or unknown, not that I thought I would, but I was amazed again at you. There was so much…so much you went through in those 5 months and 6 days. So much. I haven’t tallied up the info but I have 15 pages of notes, front and back, highlighting your days. Surgeries; non-surgical procedures (emergency and non-emergency); chemotherapy; a dizzying array of meds; CT scans; MRIs; X-rays; PT, OT & Speech; controlled and uncontrolled emesis (throwing up to you and me); hearing tests; blood, platelet & plasma transfusions; fevers and accompanying antibiotics; ER visits; PICU visits; intubations & extubations; nutritional assessments; sedation & anesthesia; discharges and readmissions….your life or should I say, part of it.

I went through it all again only shorter today…with 2 things missing. You and your final stay (those files hadn’t made it from storage; I think that may have been good…I’m pretty sure I wasn’t ready to read those). I felt so close to you and yet so far. You were breathing in those files and yet you are silent now. You are so close to my heart and were so close in print today, and yet I can’t touch you. You are within my reach but not quite there…and really if I can’t touch you, does it matter if you are millimeters or a lifetime away?

I didn’t cry but I shed a bunch this morning, maybe I was preparing myself. Who knows. All I know is I want to be close to you and you’re getting further away. The places that used to ours, aren’t any more. The hospital is even different. I visited the floor and the amazing staff is still there…they miss you just like us btw…but it’s changed. It’s not just the new curtains, bright paint and amazingly fun, hand painted ceiling tiles…oh how I wish you’d have had them to look at on all the walks and wagon rides we logged on the 5th floor…but it’s different because it was all about you and you’re not there. You’re not here. God I miss you.