Declan didn’t have a particularly restful night which has become kind of common place. He has a strong will, even against his pain medication and struggles against it. It usually takes him quite a while to settle himself each day or night. Last night was no different.
Everything else, however, went smoothly…the lung x-rays are still providing good news and his blood counts & cultures have been all clear. Great news!
Declan had surgery this morning to install a new central line through which he will receive some of his chemotherapy as well as some of his IV meds and fluids. The surgery went off without any issue and Declan was brought back to his room in preparation for his chemo.
Dear Lord, I’m not sure I’m ready for this…I mean I know in the end it will benefit Declan but the Mommy in me is literally dying inside.
As is the case, it seems, it took awhile to get everything lined up. The first dose of chemo is to be infused into a port in his head (surgically installed during last Thursday’s operation) and is intended to attack the primary tumor, secondary tumor and any stray cancer cells.
Sick feeling all day about injecting poison, albeit good poison, into my son’s brain. I mean how is he going to react? Scream? Ok, that can’t happen because he’s on a ventilator, I know…but I also have come to learn; a crazed with worry Mother’s mind works like a Stephen King novel. Will he convulse…insert your own image of that here…mine is just too awful to write about. Begin vomiting immediately? I mean my mind is my enemy today.
So it’s time. Oh boy, here we go. Dr. Chang (his Oncologist) is all gloved up and has prepared the port for the injection. Tears are streaming down my face, I’m praying to God so fervently the words are tumbling over each other; all the while I’m stroking Declan’s hand and trying to convey with my eyes my sincere apology to my dear, sweet son for what is about to happen.
Here goes the needle…
Wincing…but the only wincing is me. I keep forgetting what a tough customer my son is. Ok, thank goodness that didn’t bother him.
Now in goes the chemo. (The way it was put in today, it is pooling (for lack of a better term) in the CF fluid in his brain before the valve is released and it is carried throughout his body.) So we waited the 5 minutes until the valve was released…alternately holding my breath and shifting between the pins and needles I feel I am standing on…and still no reaction.
For the next hour, we are pacing, alternately holding his hand, praying and discussing his pain levels with the nurses because while he doesn’t seem miserable, he does seem a bit uncomfortable. Sadly, we have become accustomed to this because for whatever reason, Declan seems immune to pain meds…not completely mind you but when he should be knocked out for hours, he’s out for 10-20 minutes. It’s nuts. So we’re discussing back and forth and then it happens…Declan fell asleep.
We are, of course, prepared for him to wake up at any minute. But a minute stretched to 10 minutes to an hour to now almost 5 hours…and he is still sleeping. This is the longest period of uninterrupted sleep Declan has had in over two weeks…and he is peaceful.
We understand that this experience is not typical. We also understand the power of prayer and what a legion of prayers said on behalf of one person can do. Thank you. And we know many days in our future will not be this pleasant…but if you remember from yesterday, we are choosing to live in the moment. So for now, we are enjoying this rest for Declan.
BTW…Do your stuff chemo, we’re counting on you.